jessiii

ugh
i can't even fucking start.

how i decide not to be satisfied the moment my life should be perfect.
i shouldn't want anything at all, yet here i am, waiting & wishing.
but all that will fade, and if not, i'll be gone someday  and no longer will these trivialities keep me up at night.

as of monday cesar and i have been together for an entire year. it's exciting and shocking at the same time. that's 25% of high school...but he's 100% of my life. and i'm happy about it.


i find it extremely ironic that i may be part of the homecoming court since i have no friends. it's weird, but i don't care. i'd really rather not win anything...i'm not part of any group or crowd. i'd rather know that it wasn't some fluke that caused me to be part of the court, because that's honestly what it would be and that's just cheating. i'd probably be taking it away from someone who thinks that it's important and wants to be part of their high school homecoming. i'm just here. i'm not a big part of anything. i don't want to become one either.


in other news...my mom is pretty much forcing me to get a freaking myspace. she claims that i absolutely positively need one because i'm going to college so far away and need to keep in touch with all my friends. my poor mother thinks i actually have friends. not one person here will truly miss me once i go. i have acquaintances. that's it. we talk in school, but never make the effort to be anything else. but that's just how it is now. everybody has their own lives and i don't need to interrupt. besides, everybody has changed so much that it's almost impossible to recognize them. they can be with people who enjoy the person they've become. unfortunately, i'm not one of those people.



"Every day, 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die"

ugh i'm sick and tired of being lonely.

     In other news...well...nothing really. School is going to be insanity. Eight classes next semester?! I must have a death wish. Gah I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get accepted to UF. Take eight more classes probably. ASU classes are alright, one cancells out the other. My government teacher is pimp fo sho. My computer science teacher is...well, you can just picture him from the name of the class....
     I reeaaalllyyy don't want to get started on that fricking paper for Mrs. Swets. I know that I need to, I know that my grades count more than ever, yet I can't get out of my habit of procrastination. I need a study coach or something. Maybe a study group. 
     And I know I always say this, but since I don't have a job, maybe Molly and I will finally get a permanent workout schedule. I hope so, I feel so unhealthy. Eating junk every day for lunch and whatnot.
     My grandma just called. She said that everyone wants to come for my graduation, even my Auntie Missy. That's pretty exciting. I miss my family so much. Maybe Brandon will be back by then. Ah I'm really excited now. But my head hurts from crying. Stupid Cesar. Agh I love him anyway, and I can't wait until I see him again. It's almost been a year....how crazy is that? I know this year is gonna be difficult with him gone, but next year is going to be even harder. This year is preparing me for the future. And dear god, I hope we have a future. But we've gone through everything there is to go through. We've never fought once (although he claims I "raised my voice" lies.), and the only barrier left is distance. But if it's meant to be, that's not even an issue. I trust him, and the only reason I'm upset that he left for school is because I know how badly I'm going to miss him.
     Well, enough of me being wimpy and not doing homework. I'm going to procrastinate elsewhere on teh intarwebs.

It's not that I don't enjoy my job...I do...it's just that I...I'm always alone. 
There's only one person I've actually had a real conversation with, Mendoza--but I don't even know his first name.
I'm not incompetent. Once I get into the system and can actually do work and stay busy it probably wont be so bad.
But, for now, I'm alone in a building full of people.

I WANT THE KIXY MONEY!
hahah molly and i are so close we can taste it :D
except they didn't play the last clue, so as soon as we hear it, we'll know

the new death cab  cd is AMAZING 

 my life could have turned out so much differently.
i would love to know what could have happened.
but by tomorrow i'll hopefully forget this semi disappointment
i guess i never realized that people are three dimensional
they've been in love with others and have had their share of heartache.


it did make me feel lonely,
looking at old friend's even older live journals.
events from middle school
god that was so long ago
and i was always in pain
i never ever fathomed how much my life could change
it's been nearly five years since i met slade



these seven months have been the strangest i've ever had
i haven't even thought of him but twice
and that was when i thought "i haven't even thought of him in forever!"
ha
i'm glad things turned out the way they did.
i don't think i would have lived much longer with the help of his "friendship"


i always thought that high school would be so much more exciting and dramatic that it is
i must have peaked in seventh and eigth grade
and i'm happy to say that i did
although it is strange to live a drama free existance..well, except for brandon but that's his life
sometimes i feel that we are just strangers
sometimes i feel that i, myself, am a stranger

 i wish i were excellent at something.
everybody seems to have created a niche in their lives.
ha, i'm not even remotely good at bagging groceries, which i do practically every day of my life.

molly and i searched for a new job today.
we went to one veterinary office, but they said they wouldn't give us applications due to the fact that they only hire "long term, full time employees"
i honestly do not care if i got paid.
i just want the job.
i want to find my calling, and i'm desperately hoping that what i've wanted to be since childhood is it.
is a small internship-type job too much to ask?

 yoga is so soothing.
but i'm never going to get into shape eating the way i do.
at least cesar likes me even though i'm gross.

my dogs are sleeping at my feet.
i wish i could show them how much i truly appreciate them.
unlike so many others, they are ALWAYS here for me.
even though i'm forced to pet them, and petey's scratches hurt, i love them.
more than anything or anyone.
honestly, i have no idea what i'm going to do without a pet.
college is going to be even more miserable than high school.

i really need them.
haha i'll just steal them and they can be my roomies :D

:/ it's completely strange to think that a year from now, i'll be totally alone.
god knows what will happen between then and now.
god knows what will happen between cesar and i.
or my friends and i.
my brother.
my family.
myself.

for the first time in weeks, my house is completely silent.
but i am not alone.
i still have my animal companions.
sometimes i think that's all i need.

 i've been so depressed today
actually all of this week
i can't stop sleeping
i just don't want to do anything at all.
plus i still need to study for the AP history test.
i'm so screwed.

 so today i'm going to that concert
not of my own accord, but to babysit ivy and her friend.
but i like briana.
she called me pretty :D
i'd trade her for ivy any day haha
i hope that at the least, tonight is bearable.

i absolutely cannot believe how little time we have left for this year.
everything is going to change.
i'm going to be a senior, cesar is leaving, i'll probably have a car and a new job, i'm going to asu, i need to send in college applications...
i really hate thinking about all the things i need to do.
but its tough.
i should probably focus on things that i DON'T need to do.
like be afraid of conflict, or putting off homework until the period before...
hah. i'm sending myself into a cycle :/

i think michael may be mad at me or something. he never really talks much anymore.
maybe it had something to do with last weekend.
idk, it's just weird.

urgh, ANOTHER thing i have to do..buy a prom dress.
and dye my hair :D
but the second part will be fun and wont make me feel self concious and that i need to constantly work out to fit into a damn dress that i will wear only once.

cesar asked me in a really cute way, though. i couldn't say no :]
he took me outside and was like "look what someone did on the side of my building!"
he had spelled out will you go to prom with me in little billboard letters.
he's full of surprises. and i wont admit it to him, but i like it :]

he really does make me overwhelmingly happy.
maybe that's why i'm so terrified every time i think of him leaving. 
because there are so many people out there. wayy out there where he'll be.
and i'm just a little girl with no idea of the world.
i make mistakes, i'm not perfect.
but someone will be.
and yes, if that happens i don't know what i'd do. my world would be torn apart. 
i want to make the most of the time i have with him. i'm definately trying to. 
haha even though that involves me biting the life out of his fingertips :]
he started it!

my mind is scattered.
i want to paint something abstractly beautiful.
and the world is my canvas.

i think that it's unfair that people who hurt too much are classified as depressed and get medicine for it
what about people who feel too little?
how is that fixed?
for me, life is just a movie...a spectator sport. i love when i actually feel something, but on a day to day basis nothing is extreme.
yes, i have emotions, but they're diluted into hints of happiness, sadness, fear. 
maybe there is something wrong with me...i just hope that it can be fixed.

i'm growing a little pink lobster that i stole from albertson's :]

i'ma name him johosaphat.

cuz he pimp as pimp can be.

 

i know i'm crazy, but i had about three hours of sleep last night.

AND I WANT A PRIUS!

and to go to france with my twinny twin twin!

even though she calls me fatty fat fat!

 

my mom made me try italian wine and it was barftastic.

but at the end i actually started to like it.

somewhat...



tomorrow i get texting :D

i'm fairly excited

ask me fo my numbah

(but i probably wont give it to you :])


i want a diego burrito. because the one i just ate was DISGUSTING!

i hate people who don't care about death--no matter if they are affected by it or not.
i hate people who are throwing away their lives by doing stupid things.
i hate people who have everything and still want more.
i hate people who whine about how awful their lives are.
i absolutely hate my sister & not being able to beat the living shit out of her, because she definately deserves it more than anyone else.
i hate people who talk shit about others behind their backs.
i hate racist, closed minded people.
i hate how everyone around me is changing, & let's just say it's not for the better.
i hate having to put up with all of this and say nothing.
 

is a great book.
besides the fact that, as soon as i finished it, i became extremely paranoid.
because we don't honestly know how much the government controls us.
we don't even know if we have a say in the government.
every statistic we hear
everything
could be a lie.

so i'm pretty much freaked out to the maximum.

oh, and the car thing, it was ivy's fault.
she scratched it like a year ago.
all that worrying for NOTHING!