j3ss1c4_hahaha

 i've been so depressed today
actually all of this week
i can't stop sleeping
i just don't want to do anything at all.
plus i still need to study for the AP history test.
i'm so screwed.

 so today i'm going to that concert
not of my own accord, but to babysit ivy and her friend.
but i like briana.
she called me pretty :D
i'd trade her for ivy any day haha
i hope that at the least, tonight is bearable.

i absolutely cannot believe how little time we have left for this year.
everything is going to change.
i'm going to be a senior, cesar is leaving, i'll probably have a car and a new job, i'm going to asu, i need to send in college applications...
i really hate thinking about all the things i need to do.
but its tough.
i should probably focus on things that i DON'T need to do.
like be afraid of conflict, or putting off homework until the period before...
hah. i'm sending myself into a cycle :/

i think michael may be mad at me or something. he never really talks much anymore.
maybe it had something to do with last weekend.
idk, it's just weird.

urgh, ANOTHER thing i have to do..buy a prom dress.
and dye my hair :D
but the second part will be fun and wont make me feel self concious and that i need to constantly work out to fit into a damn dress that i will wear only once.

cesar asked me in a really cute way, though. i couldn't say no :]
he took me outside and was like "look what someone did on the side of my building!"
he had spelled out will you go to prom with me in little billboard letters.
he's full of surprises. and i wont admit it to him, but i like it :]

he really does make me overwhelmingly happy.
maybe that's why i'm so terrified every time i think of him leaving. 
because there are so many people out there. wayy out there where he'll be.
and i'm just a little girl with no idea of the world.
i make mistakes, i'm not perfect.
but someone will be.
and yes, if that happens i don't know what i'd do. my world would be torn apart. 
i want to make the most of the time i have with him. i'm definately trying to. 
haha even though that involves me biting the life out of his fingertips :]
he started it!

my mind is scattered.
i want to paint something abstractly beautiful.
and the world is my canvas.

i think that it's unfair that people who hurt too much are classified as depressed and get medicine for it
what about people who feel too little?
how is that fixed?
for me, life is just a movie...a spectator sport. i love when i actually feel something, but on a day to day basis nothing is extreme.
yes, i have emotions, but they're diluted into hints of happiness, sadness, fear. 
maybe there is something wrong with me...i just hope that it can be fixed.

i'm growing a little pink lobster that i stole from albertson's :]

i'ma name him johosaphat.

cuz he pimp as pimp can be.

 

i know i'm crazy, but i had about three hours of sleep last night.

AND I WANT A PRIUS!

and to go to france with my twinny twin twin!

even though she calls me fatty fat fat!

 

my mom made me try italian wine and it was barftastic.

but at the end i actually started to like it.

somewhat...



tomorrow i get texting :D

i'm fairly excited

ask me fo my numbah

(but i probably wont give it to you :])


i want a diego burrito. because the one i just ate was DISGUSTING!

i hate people who don't care about death--no matter if they are affected by it or not.
i hate people who are throwing away their lives by doing stupid things.
i hate people who have everything and still want more.
i hate people who whine about how awful their lives are.
i absolutely hate my sister & not being able to beat the living shit out of her, because she definately deserves it more than anyone else.
i hate people who talk shit about others behind their backs.
i hate racist, closed minded people.
i hate how everyone around me is changing, & let's just say it's not for the better.
i hate having to put up with all of this and say nothing.
 

is a great book.
besides the fact that, as soon as i finished it, i became extremely paranoid.
because we don't honestly know how much the government controls us.
we don't even know if we have a say in the government.
every statistic we hear
everything
could be a lie.

so i'm pretty much freaked out to the maximum.

oh, and the car thing, it was ivy's fault.
she scratched it like a year ago.
all that worrying for NOTHING!
 

oh my god.
my parents are going to kill me.
they let me drive to work today. they actually let me drive.
& while i was pulling out of the garage, i scraped up BOTH cars.
i want to cry so much.
i mean, they trusted me to drive, and i couldn't even go for five minutes without screwing SOMETHING up.
i'm just going to pay for everything.
i feel so guilty. 

 

haha cesar & i are completely insane.
we laugh at EVERYTHING. 
'specially my multitasking skills :]
"we've changed...for the worse!"
"yea, worse for everyone else!"


i got my braces off today!!!
i think my teeth look fake and tiny....
like pieces of chiclet gum.
but everyone else says that they look good, so hopefully they aren't lying!


this weekend was funnnn!
chelsea called cesar a pizza, molly wore my pants
haley told everyone i got crazy, shawn and i chatted,
my sister got in TONS of trouble, raymond was dissappointed in me,
i tapped that ass hahaha, avery gave me some fresca
& i met a whole bunch of people that probably don't remember me, but it was fun while it lasted.


baker street was so much fun tonight!
molly, eric & i went, and jarred showed up and we just talked about crazy stuff like carnival rides and barf.
this is gonna be my new monday date mmhmm :]


mandy called me like 5 minutes ago.
it was weird at first, but now we're cool.
she's totally changed her life around--for the better and i'm really proud of her.
we're probably gonna have intro to vet together.
and we're definately having lunch tomorrow haha.


i'm gonna go and study like a good girl should.
peace out girl scout :D


 

rock of love is just about the stupidest show ever.
besides, a shot at love, flavor of love, and i love new york.
LAME.
those people are so pathetic.
i mean, you're so washed up the only recognition you get is embarrassing yourself on national television?
if they were ACTUALLY looking for love, don't you think they'd look for people who aren't completely superficial?
i consider myself one of the lucky ones because i have all that i need.
last night cesar and i sat in his car for over an hour and a half just talking.
we don't have to do anything. 
being together is all we need.
he makes me so unbelievably happy...i mean, i'm insanely lucky  he even talks to me.
i hate how everyone says we're going to break up next year.
he's probably the only thing i have any faith in.
and i'm going to fight for this--even though it'll be less of a fight and more like just laughing at everything that exists.

"you're a part time lover and a full time friend
the monkey on you're back is the latest trend
i don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
but you

i kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
i kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
i don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
but you

here is the church and here is the steeple
we sure are cute for two ugly people
i don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
but you"

we were singing that last night in the car :]

 i am in major shock.
i've been feeling like this for hours now, and it wont go away.
my gears are stuck. or perhaps superglued.
and it's not a bad thing. at all. just a completely unbelievable thing.
oh well, all i need is to calm down.
somebody inject me with heroin or something haha.

suck
ugh.
i slept all night last night starting at like 6.
so when i woke up at 7:45 this morning i thought it was last night.
now i'm trippin.
hahah
but seriously, migranes freaking suck.
i was in soo much pain last night :/

 today was actually a LOT better than i thought it was going to be.
cesar was over for SEVEN HOURS.
hahaha oh my lawd.
we were both sick, so we basically laid around, watched star wars, and looked pathetic.
we also gave myself a new voicemail and drew fantastic pictures.
i'm not even kidding about how much i love that boy.
if i could lay on my couch with cesar, looking disgusting, without makeup, coughing to death, and basically be half dead every day, i would do it in a heartbeat.
oh, and we ate some delicious vegetable soup.
thank you mommy!!!

 staying home again.
ugh.
i cannot keep anything down.
i just cough and say goodbye to whatever the hell i just ate.

being sick sucks.

but i don't really think we're doing much in escuela.
actually, i hope we're not doing much.

oh well, not like i have a choice.
if i could get well, i would.

je suis tres tres tres malade!
sauvez moi!

i don't know what to write.
my mom just told me to "chop chop! chicken slop!"
frankly, i find it disturbing.

hahah well, we're going to the gym.

au revoir! 

i went to see brandon today. he wasn't doing too well. it's the first time i've seen him show any emotion besides indifference, or perhaps occasionally, anger. the whole time he looked like he was about to cry...and was trying so hard not to let that show. his court date is on thursday, and friday he's going to placement. i'm so worried about him. i kept trying to make him laugh, but all i got was a smile or two. which is a lot better than nothing. but still...when he gets like this...it's really bad for him. he cuts himself all up (more than usual). he still has this awful scar from when he cut so deep you could see his vein. all i want is for him to get better. period.
but sometimes i wonder if he wants to get better.
it never seems like he's trying.
but maybe he doesn't know how.
maybe whatever's wrong with him prevents it.

with all my heart, i wish it were me instead of him.
nobody deserves this.
he's being attacked from the inside. and i can't protect him.

i'm scared.
molly wants me to apply to albertson's today at sixxxxx.
my parents want me to get a job, so i can get a car.
i sort of want a job.
but cesar's leaving for college, and a job means that i can't spend as much time with him.
:/

urgh.

i still feel freaking HORRIBLE about what i said yesterday about cheddar.
omg.
it makes me want to curl up and die.
but i seriously couldn't hear him talk anymore. he was acting too much like rick.

i hate when people force me to make them my priority.
if i want to talk to you that badly, i'll talk to you.
you can't force me to. and the people that are trying are seriously getting on my last nerves.
speaking of, we've been trying to get a new phone for me for about a week, and it's a pipe dream.
maybe when i get my license renewed, i can drive myself somewhere and get one. because this is driving me up a wall.

hahah molly send me pictures of us! (haha i'll put some halloween pictures up as bait :D)
and me and cesar's down syndrome love ;]

i started actually looking at colleges last night. it was scary. i'm really excited though--i just hope i can get in. i know i'm intelligent enough and everything, but honestly, i don't try. and i should. oh well. my grades are pretty good as is. i really want to get into UF. i've wanted to forever, but i just found out it has the only veterinary school in florida--an added bonus.

i want to take my ACT again. i got a really good score on it (27),according to my dad, but i want an excellent one. AND i have to take the SAT.
planning for the future is so stressful.
especially because i have to act on my plans.

ahhh i'm going to apply :[!

i have been
so
so
so
so
stressed.

so much has been going on with my friends, family, and school.
it's ridiculous. i swear to god if anyone else went through this they'd be criminally insane by the end of a single day.

i mean, COME ON!

but i guess i've come to realize a few things about myself...

it's really hard for me to stay close to people without pushing them away
i have like three people that i actually hang out with. and they have to pretty much force themselves on me.

i always tell shit to people. like everything about my life.
i hate doing that. nobody has any business in the shit that i have to go through. it's my burden, and my burden alone. telling people is NOT going to help me with anything.

i can't tell people that i'm mad at them. or annoyed. or don't want to talk to them.
that's probably the worst thing about me.
because seriously, i can't keep that bottled up. it builds up and soon enough, i'm pissed even by the MENTION of their name.

i hate being touched by guys. its just weird. like hugging and stuff's alright, but i hate when boys that i am NOT dating touch me. poking, prodding, tickling, whatever. stop it. i've had enough bad experiences with men touching me to last a lifetime.

i can talk my way out of anything. i'm so good at lying its not even funny. and its not like i do it constantly, but when i lie, it's a big lie. but idk. what affect does it have on my image anyway? because everybody seems to believe everything they hear about me anyway. and i find it pretty pathetic that people are STILL talking about me. shit that was made up so long ago, and even things that are true. what kind of life do these people have to talk about me when they obviously don't know me--or even who i am for that matter?

wow. i cannot WAIT until graduation. it's going to suck not talking to all of the friends i've made and everything, but good god. if anyone needs a fresh start it's me. or brandon. but he wont take one. god he pisses me the off. this is his last chance. and he doesn't seem to give a flying fuck. yea he's my brother, but then again, he's not. i used to know my brother. and this person is not him at all.

and i feel like i can't tell anybody anything.
they have their own problems to deal with.
i hate being a goddamn pity case.
plus, the stupidest thing of all is that i don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.


the past three years have been miserable.

molly & cesar are amazing.
:D

i have a ton more, but my dad's yelling at me
so i guess i'll put them up later :/

my legzillas hurt.
but i love my twin.
and our assercizes :D

EVERYONE'S IMING ME SO I CAN'T TYPE IN THIS.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHA8UE8POIAJKHS7YDHNKLA;JKAL;JKAHAKHAUIGAHUIODYGUDIHJKCAJKHSDUIDKELJAKLJKLCNAUIEIAYRE4#@&^$&*(%#@vxcweq^TGVICOUPS!

there's probably a hidden message in there from god or something.
hahah.

i guess i'm gonna give up on writing in this right now.
too difficult.
i can't multitask.
its quite impossible.