j3ss1c4_hahaha

i have been
so
so
so
so
stressed.

so much has been going on with my friends, family, and school.
it's ridiculous. i swear to god if anyone else went through this they'd be criminally insane by the end of a single day.

i mean, COME ON!

but i guess i've come to realize a few things about myself...

it's really hard for me to stay close to people without pushing them away
i have like three people that i actually hang out with. and they have to pretty much force themselves on me.

i always tell shit to people. like everything about my life.
i hate doing that. nobody has any business in the shit that i have to go through. it's my burden, and my burden alone. telling people is NOT going to help me with anything.

i can't tell people that i'm mad at them. or annoyed. or don't want to talk to them.
that's probably the worst thing about me.
because seriously, i can't keep that bottled up. it builds up and soon enough, i'm pissed even by the MENTION of their name.

i hate being touched by guys. its just weird. like hugging and stuff's alright, but i hate when boys that i am NOT dating touch me. poking, prodding, tickling, whatever. stop it. i've had enough bad experiences with men touching me to last a lifetime.

i can talk my way out of anything. i'm so good at lying its not even funny. and its not like i do it constantly, but when i lie, it's a big lie. but idk. what affect does it have on my image anyway? because everybody seems to believe everything they hear about me anyway. and i find it pretty pathetic that people are STILL talking about me. shit that was made up so long ago, and even things that are true. what kind of life do these people have to talk about me when they obviously don't know me--or even who i am for that matter?

wow. i cannot WAIT until graduation. it's going to suck not talking to all of the friends i've made and everything, but good god. if anyone needs a fresh start it's me. or brandon. but he wont take one. god he pisses me the off. this is his last chance. and he doesn't seem to give a flying fuck. yea he's my brother, but then again, he's not. i used to know my brother. and this person is not him at all.

and i feel like i can't tell anybody anything.
they have their own problems to deal with.
i hate being a goddamn pity case.
plus, the stupidest thing of all is that i don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.


the past three years have been miserable.