j3ss1c4_hahaha

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:49:17 GMT

i wish i were excellent at something.
everybody seems to have created a niche in their lives.
ha, i'm not even remotely good at bagging groceries, which i do practically every day of my life.

molly and i searched for a new job today.
we went to one veterinary office, but they said they wouldn't give us applications due to the fact that they only hire "long term, full time employees"
i honestly do not care if i got paid.
i just want the job.
i want to find my calling, and i'm desperately hoping that what i've wanted to be since childhood is it.
is a small internship-type job too much to ask?

Sat, 10 May 2008 01:35:28 GMT

yoga is so soothing.
but i'm never going to get into shape eating the way i do.
at least cesar likes me even though i'm gross.

my dogs are sleeping at my feet.
i wish i could show them how much i truly appreciate them.
unlike so many others, they are ALWAYS here for me.
even though i'm forced to pet them, and petey's scratches hurt, i love them.
more than anything or anyone.
honestly, i have no idea what i'm going to do without a pet.
college is going to be even more miserable than high school.

i really need them.
haha i'll just steal them and they can be my roomies :D

:/ it's completely strange to think that a year from now, i'll be totally alone.
god knows what will happen between then and now.
god knows what will happen between cesar and i.
or my friends and i.
my brother.
my family.
myself.

for the first time in weeks, my house is completely silent.
but i am not alone.
i still have my animal companions.
sometimes i think that's all i need.

Wed, 07 May 2008 23:36:01 GMT

i've been so depressed today
actually all of this week
i can't stop sleeping
i just don't want to do anything at all.
plus i still need to study for the AP history test.
i'm so screwed.

i don't need this place. i don't need these walls.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:54:08 GMT

so today i'm going to that concert
not of my own accord, but to babysit ivy and her friend.
but i like briana.
she called me pretty :D
i'd trade her for ivy any day haha
i hope that at the least, tonight is bearable.

i absolutely cannot believe how little time we have left for this year.
everything is going to change.
i'm going to be a senior, cesar is leaving, i'll probably have a car and a new job, i'm going to asu, i need to send in college applications...
i really hate thinking about all the things i need to do.
but its tough.
i should probably focus on things that i DON'T need to do.
like be afraid of conflict, or putting off homework until the period before...
hah. i'm sending myself into a cycle :/

i think michael may be mad at me or something. he never really talks much anymore.
maybe it had something to do with last weekend.
idk, it's just weird.

urgh, ANOTHER thing i have to do..buy a prom dress.
and dye my hair :D
but the second part will be fun and wont make me feel self concious and that i need to constantly work out to fit into a damn dress that i will wear only once.

cesar asked me in a really cute way, though. i couldn't say no :]
he took me outside and was like "look what someone did on the side of my building!"
he had spelled out will you go to prom with me in little billboard letters.
he's full of surprises. and i wont admit it to him, but i like it :]

he really does make me overwhelmingly happy.
maybe that's why i'm so terrified every time i think of him leaving.
because there are so many people out there. wayy out there where he'll be.
and i'm just a little girl with no idea of the world.
i make mistakes, i'm not perfect.
but someone will be.
and yes, if that happens i don't know what i'd do. my world would be torn apart.
i want to make the most of the time i have with him. i'm definately trying to.
haha even though that involves me biting the life out of his fingertips :]
he started it!

my mind is scattered.
i want to paint something abstractly beautiful.
and the world is my canvas.

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 21:24:32 GMT

i think that it's unfair that people who hurt too much are classified as depressed and get medicine for it
what about people who feel too little?
how is that fixed?
for me, life is just a movie...a spectator sport. i love when i actually feel something, but on a day to day basis nothing is extreme.
yes, i have emotions, but they're diluted into hints of happiness, sadness, fear.
maybe there is something wrong with me...i just hope that it can be fixed.

MRAWWWWWWWWWWWOWOOWWW

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 02:11:53 GMT

i'm growing a little pink lobster that i stole from albertson's :]

i'ma name him johosaphat.

cuz he pimp as pimp can be.

i know i'm crazy, but i had about three hours of sleep last night.

AND I WANT A PRIUS!

and to go to france with my twinny twin twin!

even though she calls me fatty fat fat!

my mom made me try italian wine and it was barftastic.

but at the end i actually started to like it.

somewhat...

tomorrow i get texting :D

i'm fairly excited

ask me fo my numbah

(but i probably wont give it to you :])

i want a diego burrito. because the one i just ate was DISGUSTING!

honestly;

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 23:28:48 GMT

i hate people who don't care about death--no matter if they are affected by it or not.
i hate people who are throwing away their lives by doing stupid things.
i hate people who have everything and still want more.
i hate people who whine about how awful their lives are.
i absolutely hate my sister & not being able to beat the living shit out of her, because she definately deserves it more than anyone else.
i hate people who talk shit about others behind their backs.
i hate racist, closed minded people.
i hate how everyone around me is changing, & let's just say it's not for the better.
i hate having to put up with all of this and say nothing.

1984

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 03:59:14 GMT

is a great book.
besides the fact that, as soon as i finished it, i became extremely paranoid.
because we don't honestly know how much the government controls us.
we don't even know if we have a say in the government.
every statistic we hear
everything
could be a lie.

so i'm pretty much freaked out to the maximum.

oh, and the car thing, it was ivy's fault.
she scratched it like a year ago.
all that worrying for NOTHING!

:[ !

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 23:26:21 GMT

oh my god.
my parents are going to kill me.
they let me drive to work today. they actually let me drive.
& while i was pulling out of the garage, i scraped up BOTH cars.
i want to cry so much.
i mean, they trusted me to drive, and i couldn't even go for five minutes without screwing SOMETHING up.
i'm just going to pay for everything.
i feel so guilty.

MULTITASKING!!! :D

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 03:04:29 GMT

haha cesar & i are completely insane.
we laugh at EVERYTHING.
'specially my multitasking skills :]
"we've changed...for the worse!"
"yea, worse for everyone else!"

i got my braces off today!!!
i think my teeth look fake and tiny....
like pieces of chiclet gum.
but everyone else says that they look good, so hopefully they aren't lying!

this weekend was funnnn!
chelsea called cesar a pizza, molly wore my pants
haley told everyone i got crazy, shawn and i chatted,
my sister got in TONS of trouble, raymond was dissappointed in me,
i tapped that ass hahaha, avery gave me some fresca
& i met a whole bunch of people that probably don't remember me, but it was fun while it lasted.

baker street was so much fun tonight!
molly, eric & i went, and jarred showed up and we just talked about crazy stuff like carnival rides and barf.
this is gonna be my new monday date mmhmm :]

mandy called me like 5 minutes ago.
it was weird at first, but now we're cool.
she's totally changed her life around--for the better and i'm really proud of her.
we're probably gonna have intro to vet together.
and we're definately having lunch tomorrow haha.

i'm gonna go and study like a good girl should.
peace out girl scout :D

coopie is a frito!

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 18:45:13 GMT

rock of love is just about the stupidest show ever.
besides, a shot at love, flavor of love, and i love new york.
LAME.
those people are so pathetic.
i mean, you're so washed up the only recognition you get is embarrassing yourself on national television?
if they were ACTUALLY looking for love, don't you think they'd look for people who aren't completely superficial?
i consider myself one of the lucky ones because i have all that i need.
last night cesar and i sat in his car for over an hour and a half just talking.
we don't have to do anything.
being together is all we need.
he makes me so unbelievably happy...i mean, i'm insanely lucky he even talks to me.
i hate how everyone says we're going to break up next year.
he's probably the only thing i have any faith in.
and i'm going to fight for this--even though it'll be less of a fight and more like just laughing at everything that exists.

"you're a part time lover and a full time friend
the monkey on you're back is the latest trend
i don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
but you

i kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
i kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
i don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
but you

here is the church and here is the steeple
we sure are cute for two ugly people
i don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
but you"

we were singing that last night in the car :]

ohhh my lawd.

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 23:28:35 GMT

i am in major shock.
i've been feeling like this for hours now, and it wont go away.
my gears are stuck. or perhaps superglued.
and it's not a bad thing. at all. just a completely unbelievable thing.
oh well, all i need is to calm down.
somebody inject me with heroin or something haha.

migranes

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 15:59:33 GMT

suck
ugh.
i slept all night last night starting at like 6.
so when i woke up at 7:45 this morning i thought it was last night.
now i'm trippin.
hahah
but seriously, migranes freaking suck.
i was in soo much pain last night :/

i wanna grow up to be rob and big!

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 03:20:11 GMT

today was actually a LOT better than i thought it was going to be.
cesar was over for SEVEN HOURS.
hahaha oh my lawd.
we were both sick, so we basically laid around, watched star wars, and looked pathetic.
we also gave myself a new voicemail and drew fantastic pictures.
i'm not even kidding about how much i love that boy.
if i could lay on my couch with cesar, looking disgusting, without makeup, coughing to death, and basically be half dead every day, i would do it in a heartbeat.
oh, and we ate some delicious vegetable soup.
thank you mommy!!!

>:|

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 14:34:34 GMT

staying home again.
ugh.
i cannot keep anything down.
i just cough and say goodbye to whatever the hell i just ate.

being sick sucks.

but i don't really think we're doing much in escuela.
actually, i hope we're not doing much.

oh well, not like i have a choice.
if i could get well, i would.

je suis tres tres tres malade!
sauvez moi!

:o

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 00:34:58 GMT

i don't know what to write.
my mom just told me to "chop chop! chicken slop!"
frankly, i find it disturbing.

hahah well, we're going to the gym.

au revoir!

are we still making useless progress?

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 04:05:14 GMT

i went to see brandon today. he wasn't doing too well. it's the first time i've seen him show any emotion besides indifference, or perhaps occasionally, anger. the whole time he looked like he was about to cry...and was trying so hard not to let that show. his court date is on thursday, and friday he's going to placement. i'm so worried about him. i kept trying to make him laugh, but all i got was a smile or two. which is a lot better than nothing. but still...when he gets like this...it's really bad for him. he cuts himself all up (more than usual). he still has this awful scar from when he cut so deep you could see his vein. all i want is for him to get better. period.
but sometimes i wonder if he wants to get better.
it never seems like he's trying.
but maybe he doesn't know how.
maybe whatever's wrong with him prevents it.

with all my heart, i wish it were me instead of him.
nobody deserves this.
he's being attacked from the inside. and i can't protect him.

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 23:59:42 GMT

i'm scared.
molly wants me to apply to albertson's today at sixxxxx.
my parents want me to get a job, so i can get a car.
i sort of want a job.
but cesar's leaving for college, and a job means that i can't spend as much time with him.
:/

urgh.

i still feel freaking HORRIBLE about what i said yesterday about cheddar.
omg.
it makes me want to curl up and die.
but i seriously couldn't hear him talk anymore. he was acting too much like rick.

i hate when people force me to make them my priority.
if i want to talk to you that badly, i'll talk to you.
you can't force me to. and the people that are trying are seriously getting on my last nerves.
speaking of, we've been trying to get a new phone for me for about a week, and it's a pipe dream.
maybe when i get my license renewed, i can drive myself somewhere and get one. because this is driving me up a wall.

hahah molly send me pictures of us! (haha i'll put some halloween pictures up as bait :D)
and me and cesar's down syndrome love ;]

i started actually looking at colleges last night. it was scary. i'm really excited though--i just hope i can get in. i know i'm intelligent enough and everything, but honestly, i don't try. and i should. oh well. my grades are pretty good as is. i really want to get into UF. i've wanted to forever, but i just found out it has the only veterinary school in florida--an added bonus.

i want to take my ACT again. i got a really good score on it (27),according to my dad, but i want an excellent one. AND i have to take the SAT.
planning for the future is so stressful.
especially because i have to act on my plans.

ahhh i'm going to apply :[!

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 02:24:20 GMT

i have been
so
so
so
so
stressed.

so much has been going on with my friends, family, and school.
it's ridiculous. i swear to god if anyone else went through this they'd be criminally insane by the end of a single day.

i mean, COME ON!

but i guess i've come to realize a few things about myself...

it's really hard for me to stay close to people without pushing them away
i have like three people that i actually hang out with. and they have to pretty much force themselves on me.

i always tell shit to people. like everything about my life.
i hate doing that. nobody has any business in the shit that i have to go through. it's my burden, and my burden alone. telling people is NOT going to help me with anything.

i can't tell people that i'm mad at them. or annoyed. or don't want to talk to them.
that's probably the worst thing about me.
because seriously, i can't keep that bottled up. it builds up and soon enough, i'm pissed even by the MENTION of their name.

i hate being touched by guys. its just weird. like hugging and stuff's alright, but i hate when boys that i am NOT dating touch me. poking, prodding, tickling, whatever. stop it. i've had enough bad experiences with men touching me to last a lifetime.

i can talk my way out of anything. i'm so good at lying its not even funny. and its not like i do it constantly, but when i lie, it's a big lie. but idk. what affect does it have on my image anyway? because everybody seems to believe everything they hear about me anyway. and i find it pretty pathetic that people are STILL talking about me. shit that was made up so long ago, and even things that are true. what kind of life do these people have to talk about me when they obviously don't know me--or even who i am for that matter?

wow. i cannot WAIT until graduation. it's going to suck not talking to all of the friends i've made and everything, but good god. if anyone needs a fresh start it's me. or brandon. but he wont take one. god he pisses me the off. this is his last chance. and he doesn't seem to give a flying fuck. yea he's my brother, but then again, he's not. i used to know my brother. and this person is not him at all.

and i feel like i can't tell anybody anything.
they have their own problems to deal with.
i hate being a goddamn pity case.
plus, the stupidest thing of all is that i don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

the past three years have been miserable.

oh my god.

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 04:42:15 GMT

molly & cesar are amazing.
:D

pictures for molly (and the rest of the intranets :])

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 01:59:28 GMT

i have a ton more, but my dad's yelling at me
so i guess i'll put them up later :/

hark!

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 03:13:50 GMT

my legzillas hurt.
but i love my twin.
and our assercizes :D

EVERYONE'S IMING ME SO I CAN'T TYPE IN THIS.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHA8UE8POIAJKHS7YDHNKLA;JKAL;JKAHAKHAUIGAHUIODYGUDIHJKCAJKHSDUIDKELJAKLJKLCNAUIEIAYRE4#@&^$&*(%#@vxcweq^TGVICOUPS!

there's probably a hidden message in there from god or something.
hahah.

i guess i'm gonna give up on writing in this right now.
too difficult.
i can't multitask.
its quite impossible.

amazing

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 02:29:05 GMT

is how i feel right now.
& although i'm a little sore...I FEEL AWESOME
i even washed the dishes all by myself without being asked :D

in the past two days molly and i have run (with me stopping like a wimp to cough) 3 miles :D
and we did hardcore lunges with cars coming to kill us!

i want to be extra healthy this year.
even though i cheated by having fries for lunch today.
but really, what am i gonna eat?
bring a lunch?
idk. maybe. my mom has delicious grapefruit :]
AND NOT LIKE THAT YOU FREAKS!!!!!!

men.

i feel stable for the first time in a loooong time.
i'm starting to feel good about myself.
i have an amazing boyfriend.
i have amazing friends.
& even though everything may not be perfect...
in the end, nothing is.
it's just what you make of it and what you do with your life that really counts.

homeee

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 19:16:12 GMT

it's awesome to just sit here.
we drove every day except for one while we were in florida.
ugh.
it sucked though.
i only got to hang out with kath for like an hour, i didn't see elliott or brent AT ALL, and melinda spent the whole time with her boyfriend. i think i actually spent more time with melinda's family and her boyfriend's brother than i spent with melinda.
at least i got to dance the hora and see my sister.
hahaha i want to be jewish--their weddings are AWESOME(besides the fact that i got a headache about a quarter of the way through, and spent all night in the car asleep...)

i got home on the second and got my hurr cut :X
cesar got home yesterday & we hung out for what? eight hours?
idk
but it was fun
mom left us home alone for forever and we were all weirded out haha
i missed him soooo freaking much urgh!

i'm sick :[
i think i'm gonna die of sickness.
:/ *cough*

MOLLY'S COMING HOME TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm essited :D

<3

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 04:09:46 GMT

oh. my. god.
today was amazing.
except for the fact that i had to say goodbye to my lil boo :[
but we were cute on our last day together of 2007.
we went to the museum & block 2 alleyway
and sang french songs in his car like the maniacs we are :D
thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn we went to his house and chilled.

i had to leave for a little, and when i came back i had to say bye :[
urgh.
it was really hard & i'ma miss him.

after that me and molly hung out and went to wal-mart and filled carts with stuff we'd never buy ;]
but we only got to hang for a little 'cause she got called into work :[

but i have to pack
so peaceee
<3